Wednesday, August 01, 2007

One of Nazanin's days, one of those days, one of life's days!

Life sucks…..
Yeah we know it. It does. Don’t deny it.
But hey, wait, I still adore it.
For some reasons….
Hmmmmm, interesting.
Very interesting. All those suffering, hatred , saddness, and still, I cant get enough of life.
Every year, every day, every moment, every second I cry and then laugh untill I lay down on my bed.
I like to stare,
I don’t know why.
Maybe im looking for something.
I know im looking for something.
Deep down, where most of us are not able to see or feel.
Can I see it?
I doubt it.
Can I feel it?
I think I can.
How do I know?
Because whenever I stare I start to feel my heart jumping up and down, singing a song. Everytime, a different song.

I’m starting to learn how to touch. I feel with my eyes and see with my skin.

I like to complain. About every little thing. But I don’t want you to listen to me. I want to complain to myself and find the answers all by myself. Hey, it’s my world too. Right?

I used to have a circle around me. A red circle. For many many reasons, I never ever let myself to break down the circle or step outside the edges. How funny! How sad! How pathetic ! ive been living outside the circle most of my life and I still havent noticed it. You know why? Because I never asked why.

I like to please people. I like to please myslef more than pleasing others. I please myself with anything that I can lay my hands on or think of. Reading a book, writing a sad story, eating a whole bar of dark chocolate, drinking a hot cup of green tea, helping a child to build a red and white kite in one hot summer day, singing a meaningless song, screaming in the shower and even crying with my eyes closed untill I go to sleep and dream about what I want to hear or see. But still, something is missing. My body, my heart, my soul is not satisfied. They all cry out for a single drop of pleasure and I’m not able to give it to them. I’m uselss. I can’t even make my body happy.

I seek for what Ive never experienced. I got it. Partially. It was good. It was pure. It was beautiful. It was embarrasing. It was naughty. It was naked. It was pleasure. It was what I wanted. But above all, it was what I needed.

Sometimes you are not sure what to say. How come I never know what to say? Not even now!!!

It was a beautiful night. Well maybe not so beautiful. It was actually a hot summer night. Maybe it was because of the moment which made it special. Oh well, next time ill tell you the rest.